I’m done.
He relapsed yet AGAIN. Ten years of this bullshit is enough for me. He is in jail AGAIN, waiting for a bed in rehab AGAIN. I refuse to participate anymore.

I will not participate in his addiction anymore.
I will not participate in anything drug-related anymore. That includes this blog. Suffice it to say that he the rest of the story goes like this: He will relapse again and again and again and again, and then he dies – either by the hand of heroin or by his own hand due to the depression that the heroin causes.
The end.

Until never – Goodbye,
Pissed Off And Done Carol

Due date = August 7th (that’s what she told me when I couldn’t pretend to not see her and just walk on by in the grocery store).
So that means she got pregnant around the second or third week of November. This is within DAYS of when J got back here. I’m really questioning the validity of her story that its not his. I think she just told him that so she wouldn’t have to hassle with him fighting her because she wants to give it up for adoption. I have NOT told J that I ran into her, and I don’t plan to.

Update on J = after walking out of rehab, going back to jail for several days and then living in the homeless shelter, he now has an apartment in the county that he is doing “drug court” out of. That’s the rule – he MUST live in that county. He goes to AA/NA meetings EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and goes to “group” 3 times a week and goes to individual counseling once a week. He is called in to pee at least 3 times a week at random times and has passed every test so far. He goes in front of the judge EVERY Friday for an update. He is currently on an ankle bracelet so they can GPS track him and is not allowed to go anywhere without permission and may not leave the county at all. He is hoping to get the ankle bracelet off next week. They have decided that he does NOT need to go back to inpatient rehab because he is doing everything right. Pray that this continues please!

He is back in jail.

The stupid-head walked out of rehab.

Apparently there was this whole big thing going on and the counselors were mad because guys were playing Poker, and guys were going into each other’s rooms when they weren’t supposed to, and the guys all got yelled at and about a dozen of them walked out, including my son. Now, what REALLY makes me mad about this is he did NOTHING wrong. He wasn’t playing Poker, he wasn’t in anybody’s room when he wasn’t supposed to be. So why did he walk out??? Because everyone else was. Following the crowd. Gotta look cool and do what they do.

He of course shows up at MY HOUSE. And then the county is calling me looking for him because they issued a warrant. So yesterday I had the pleasure of driving my kid back to jail and handing him back over to them.

He DID drink while he was out – apparently with a bunch of friends while he was roaming around. He admitted that to me. He did NOT use any drugs. He admitted that he wanted to. He even messaged the guy that he used with before, but the guy had no way to get them to the city to pick up. He feels like he failed. I say he did not fail – he did NOT use. In the past, if that guy was unable to give him a ride, he would have stolen money from my purse and then stolen my car and gotten there himself. He did NOT take that last step – that “whatever it takes” step, so I call it a victory!

Court is today – we will find out what happens next. They will either (a) find him a new rehab to go to, (b) decide he can just go to the halfway house, which was the plan when he finished this rehab or (c) back to prison. I’m hoping its a or b, just because sending him back to prison does ZERO good – there is no rehab in prison.

LOL – I’m sorry I suck so bad at updating the blog. Here’s where we are right now:

RECOVERY!

Oh hallelujiah! Its up the roller coaster for now, so I’m just gonna enjoy the ride while I can!

So, after sitting in jail for yet another 3 months, he got accepted into the “drug court” program and is currently in a 90-day inpatient recovery program. This is the same place that kicked him out a few years ago after he pissed them off – that was the first time he served hard time in prison – after he got kicked out of rehab they sent him to state prison for over a year. He had to jump through a few hoops to be accepted back there yet again, but they did take him back. He says the first time he didn’t want to be there, and that this time is different – he really wants to be there this time. He is DONE with living his life this way. Although I’ve heard that before so time will tell!

I do see one big difference this time – GOD. I have been praying for a couple of years now for God “to just whisper quietly in his ear – let him know you are here.” And its FINALLY working. He has always had a big problem with believing in a “higher power” – he kind of compared it to Santa Claus – you can’t see him and of course he’s not real, so God must be the same way. Right now, for today, he is changing his tune. His sponsor is talking him into the existence of a “higher power”. Hallelujiah! I’ve been telling him for years that only God can save him now, and I still very much believe that. As is the AA way, God can be “whatever you imagine him to be”. For J, God is that small voice on his shoulder telling him that he shouldn’t do (whatever it is he shouldn’t be doing). In other words, a conscience. Something he has been severely lacking for many many many many many years. Hey man, whatever works for him! For now, for today, for this moment, all is well…

So in order to visit him in the rehab center, you have to sit through a “family class” first. I went last Wednesday and sat through the family class (snore!!! – I could give the damned family class after TEN YEARS of this crap!). There was this poor mother sitting there at her table with a 3-ring binder, a spiral notebook, a book, a bunch of papers and a pen, taking copious notes the entire class and asking many many questions. Poor thing was just trying to find “the answer”. She was trying so hard “to understand”. I wanted soooooo badly to stand up and let her know there was no answer, there is no understanding, and to quit taking notes cuz she wouldn’t ever learn anything that would allow HER to help her son. I felt really bad for her! Should I have said something???

 

Dr. Carol here. Am I the only one who plays the armchair psychiatrist? Like, if I could just figure out what propels him to use, I could make it stop? So my days are spent thinking, “Ya know, maybe its because he’s super intelligent, but he doesn’t want his friends to know because they’ll think he’s a dork, so he’s not being his authentic self and its making him use.” Or, “He’s the oldest child, which means he needs to be everybody’s hero because that’s what oldest children think, and he can’t save everyone and this hurts, so he uses. Oh, and this also explains why he hangs out with low-lifes. Its because he NEEDS to save them.”  And then there’s, “He grew up in a household with an addicted grandmother who lived there too and he saw everything that she got away with so he figures he can do the same crap.”

UGH. Make it stop.

When am I going to realize that I CANNOT save him? That the only way he can be saved is when HE decides to save himself? I can armchair psychiatrist all day long and its not going to make a damn difference, so just cut it out!

My phone is eerily quiet once again. When he is not incarcerated we talk and text every day and I do miss that. I just want my son back. But I fear that’s never going to happen. This will be his THIRD trip to prison. It occurs to me that some people function better when institutionalized, and I believe my son may be one of those people. When he is in prison he is clean, he gets a job in the jail, and he sounds like a normal person. I wonder if they can just keep him forever?

Silly me.

I almost believed his BS story about parole finding ONE Vicodin in the back of the closet and him passing the pee test. His roommate stopped by this morning to talk to me. Turns out, he REFUSED the pee test because he would have failed it because he’s been smoking pot like every day. And as for the Vicodin – apparently J had a friend over the other night named Tim (I have no idea who he is), and he was bragging to his roommate about how stoned Tim got on pot and pills. I don’t know for sure if J was taking the pills or if what they found was Tim’s pill(s), but it doesn’t really even matter at this point. What DOES matter is that he is stupid, and took a chance again by smoking pot at the very least, and he now deserves to stay exactly where he is at, so I will NOT be even thinking about bailing him out anymore. In fact, I think I’m done to the point that I’m not going to have any communication with him. Already this morning the phone is ringing from the jail. I need to figure out how to block the number…

He’s back in the slammer!

Supposedly his parole guy showed up at his house this morning, searched his room and found ONE Vicodin in the back of his closet on the shelf. Parole dropped J, who dropped clean, but he arrested him anyways for “possession of a controlled substance”. This Vicodin MIGHT be from the guy who lived there in that room before J, or I suppose it MIGHT be J’s. I have no way to know. All I know is HERE WE GO AGAIN!! I’m sooooooo over this.

Most days, its hard to keep up! I couldn’t post to this blog every day if I wanted to, because most of the time I’m busy catching my breath and trying to figure out what the hell is going on now.

Its not his kid.

On Monday she went to the doctor, who told her she was 11 weeks pregnant. J was still living in southern Illinois with the weirdos at that time and its about 3-1/2 weeks off of when he could have gotten her pregnant. Which is actually ok, cuz turns out, she’s a psychotic, mean, rude person and they were really struggling to even stand being in the same room with each other for more than 5 minutes. J was spending all his time trying to make her happy and being super nice to her, while she spent her days trying to figure out how to make him miserable and treating him like the dog shit on the bottom of her shoe. They have now broken up (thank God!) and she has contacted the REAL father of her child, who has no problem signing the papers to give it up for adoption (which is what she wants to do), because he wants nothing to do with her (see a pattern here?).

Stick around for 5 minutes – I’m pretty sure there will be a new girl with a new drama problem of some sort for you all to come and read about.

He has knocked up his girlfriend.
She is keeping the baby.
The game now changes…

A long overdue update: After figuring out that the weirdos he lived with in southern Illinois were real weirdos after all, and that he is NOT in fact gay, nor does he wish to hang out with gay people, and after living for a couple of weeks like this, as well as with mice and roaches in their small, filthy apartment, he begged me to come get him. This was about a month ago. The whole time he was there he was talking and texting to his girl up here, and the second he got back they got together and apparently made a baby. Now mind you, he does NOT live with me. I would still not allow this. He found a friend up here who would take him in and he lives in a townhouse with him, which is about 45 minutes away from me. Just far enough to not piss me off on a regular basis – LOL.

I have NOT seen ANY evidence of him using drugs whatsoever. In fact, he has had a 180 degree mind-shift since getting out of prison this time. He tells me things like, “I never even think about heroin, except when you mention it, and then its only to think about how much I do NOT ever want to do that again.” Of his girlfriend he says, “I don’t ever want to be without her”. He has NEVER said that about any girl – not even the one he dated for 4 years. This girl comes from a normal house, with a normal family and lives a normal life. Imagine that!!!! He tells me he NEEDS to go to college, and get a degree, and get his license back, and get a car, because he “just wants to give her everything she wants.” He is working – in a restaurant as a dishwasher – but at least it is something! He is on house arrest for another month, so to even find somebody who was willing to give him a job is a HUGE blessing! His boss told him, “I believe in giving people second chances. We are all family here, and I will do anything for any of my employees.” Of his boss, J says, “I have never met a man who is so non-judgmental as him.”

Praise the Lord!!! I cannot even begin to tell you how many times a day I thank God for all of this! I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed for so many years for this hell to just end already! Do I trust him? Nope, not as far as I can throw him! Am I beginning to see SOME maturity, and thoughtful living from him? YES, finally, YES! Glory be!!!!!!!!!!!! Its like suddenly that brain cell showed up!!! And its not just since finding out his girl is pregnant either – he has been like this the whole time since he got out. Maybe two stints in prison has taught him SOMETHING!!

I continue to pray and pray for all of you who are still struggling. May you all have a very Merry Christmas, filled with love and light and laughter, family and friends, and God. Bless you all!

Having now been on this crazy ride called addiction for about 8 years, I have come up with this list of Truths about parenting an addict. Feel free to add your own! Here goes:

10 Truths About Being The Parent Of An Addict

1. It’s NOT your fault. This is probably the most important truth for you to learn. Right now you’re thinking, “He’s MY child – it was MY responsibility to teach him right from wrong. Where did I fail???” Please, for the love of all things, know this: YOU did not fail. YOUR CHILD has had a lapse in judgment, which has nothing whatsoever to do with you, or how you raised him, or how much you love him. Which brings us to the next truth:
2. You cannot love this disease away. Oh, how I wish this one wasn’t on the list, for if I could love him enough to make him stop this madness, I would. But I cannot. Only he can learn to love himself enough to make himself jump off the roller coaster.
3. You cannot buy his way out of this disease. Again, how I wish this one wasn’t on the list. If I could I would have thrown (name your dollar amount here) at this heinous disease right from the start, and he would have been cured. IMPORTANT: this includes bailing him out of jail/paying for lawyers/paying for rehab over and over again. Don’t do it! Which brings us to our next truth:
4. Jail is NOT a bad place. Neither is prison. They have 3 square meals, a bed to sleep in, and they are clean – probably for the first time in a long time. And you have your sanity back for a little while. Enjoy it while you can.
5. You will never stop wondering. This one really upsets me, because I REALLY REALLY want to someday be able to get completely past this, and no longer worry or wonder. But the reality is, I will probably spend the rest of my/his life just waiting for that other shoe to drop. It sucks.
6. He will do things that you can’t even believe he would ever do. Like, steal all your stuff, or use in your house right under your nose, or lie to you over and over again. Just remember: this is the disease of addiction doing these things, not your child.
7. He doesn’t understand this disease any more than you do. When asked, “Why did you do that?” the only response I have ever gotten has been, “I don’t know.” When I told him, “I don’t understand” his response has always been, “Neither do I.”
8. They don’t want to be an addict, as much as, or more than, you don’t want them to be an addict. They didn’t ask for this disease, and believe it or not, they don’t want to have the disease of addiction. I know this one is hard to fathom, especially in the throes of another relapse, but they truly do not want to be addicts. They don’t want to get arrested, they don’t want to go to jail, they don’t want to go to rehab. Who would??? This is NO WAY excuses their behavior or gives you any excuse to enable them. Just know that they don’t want to be in this position either.
9. Prayer works. Whether you are religious or not, a believer or not, prayer works. Even if it’s just finding 10 quiet minutes first thing in the morning to shut it all off and de-stress, do it. And remember, you truly are blessed in other ways. Say “thank you” to your Higher Power for this.
10. You are loved. By family, by friends, and even by your addict. Don’t ever forget this.