J turns 23 years old today. Man time flies, and I’m getting old! Waaaaaaaa!

He just started the new semester at school this week, and as far as I can tell, everything seems to be going well. Although I NEVER see him. Well, not never, but rarely. Like, when he needs some money – LOL.

On another note, please continue to pray for my niece. She will be having surgery again tomorrow morning for her Crohn’s Disease. This time they will be performing an iliostomy (kind of like a colostomy) – in other words she gets to carry her poop around in a bag for awhile. We’re hoping it will be temporary, but we’re not sure yet. She had to drop out of college for this semester because the recovery time for this surgery is very long. She’s only 19 years old. She is very discouraged and disheartened at this point. Please pray for a quick recovery, and for her to feel Jesus walking with her every step of the way to help her overcome her feelings of discouragement.

Thank you.

 

Well, I sort of got an apology for all the mean things he said. I asked him if he had anything to say for himself. He of course made it all about him. “Well I’m just appalled that you would look at my Facebook!” And the tried-and-true-always-the-martyr “I’m so sick of everyone calling ME an asshole.” That’s when I lost it. I yelled at him, “You know, your wife tells you you’re an asshole, your kids tell you you’re an asshole, your employees tell you you’re and asshole, your clients tell you you’re an asshole! Do you think at some point you should sit down and wonder, ‘Am I being an asshole???’” After that I got one of those smirky grin “I’m sorrys”. Ya know, the one that you know they don’t really mean. They’re just saying it to get you off their back? So at this point we pretend nothing is wrong, when in reality he’s

over there —————————————–>

and I’m <——————————————- over here

if that makes any sense. In other words, there’s no sharing. There’s no intimacy. There’s pretty much nothing except “Did you feed the dogs?” And “Can you pick up some milk?”

Maybe its better this way.

 

2012 is a mess already.

My marriage is about over. 25 years down the drain.

Yesterday my husband left his laptop at work, so after dinner he had to go back to work to get it. He left, leaving his cell phone on the kitchen counter at home. Yep, I got nosy. I went into his Facebook. There I found a conversation with a young lady named Dede that went something like this:

“My bitchy wife won’t even let me drink at home anymore.”

“I think my bitchy wife is just getting insecure in her old age.”

“I went out to lunch today and they made me 2 giant Margaritas there, and my bitchy wife will probably find out about it. I’ve been eating fucking Tic Tacs all afternoon!”

“My oldest son just got out of prison. He’s going to college on MY DIME and just sucks my money.” My middle son is a 285-pound fat ass video game addict who’s never had a real job. My youngest son is just a smart ass teenager. My bitchy wife has always loved the children more than me. I just want to take off in the RV.”

Wow.

I let him know I found this. He had nothing to say, and has said nothing to say to me since. No apology. No nothing. I guess he’s not going to apologize, maybe cuz he means all of it? Nice to know how he feels about us all. I told him to go be with “Dede!” Asshole.

Anybody else wanna stand in line and stomp on my heart?? Its FREE and apparently very enjoyable!!

 

So my husband has quit drinking (at home). I suspect he’s still going out to lunch and having a margarita or two at Pepe’s every day, but whatever. But, he’s still an asshole.

I just got this text from Ron. He cc’ed me on the text he sent to my husband. Ron is our brother-in-law and works for my husband (we own our own business). Ron is out at a client’s business today doing a service call on their equipment.  Here’s the text: “What the F did you say and do to these people here? I have had 3 people tell me what a rude insulting asshole you were on the phone. I made the mistake of telling the first person you were the owner, that went well. When are you going to learn to think before you open your mouth?”

Wow.

I don’t know how my husband answered because it doesn’t copy me on his response. I’ve texted Ron to ask him what happened but he hasn’t answered me yet. I’m assuming he’s still on the service call, but I’m sure I’ll be getting a phone call as soon as he’s done.

Here’s the thing – EVERYONE tells my husband that he’s an asshole. Clients do. Employees do. His kids do. I do. That’s because he’s an asshole. He absolutely CANNOT manage to engage his brain before he engages his mouth. We’ve talked about this numerous times, but he totally does not get it. He’ll say to me, “I’m really sick and tired of everyone telling me I’m an asshole!” Well, ok, gee, maybe there’s a reason for it, and if you’re sick of it, you should do a little self examining and figure out why people say that. He’s chased away clients over the years who have said that they will NEVER talk to him again. Many employees have up and quit because they can’t take it.  Sometimes if he’s on the phone with a client at home, I have to sit there next to him and tell him to “talk nice.” He truly doesn’t see this in himself!!

Any suggestions on how in the world I can get him to understand, short of filing the divorce papers???

I’m starting off the new year disappointed, sad, and with a bad attitude.

I’ve really had it with my husband’s drinking! Last night, after drinking almost the entire bottle of Camarena (Tequila), shortly before midnight I asked him to be done cuz he was wasted enough. He got pissed at ME and “had to go for a walk”. Twice. So as we were counting down to 2012 he’s nowhere to be found, and I have no idea where he even is, because he didn’t even tell me he needed to go for a walk – he apparently just simply left. So I texted him, “where are you?” and when he took his phone out of his pocket to see the text, he dropped the phone and the back fell off and his drunk ass couldn’t find it. This also somehow became all my fault. So instead of a New’s Years kiss, I got New Year’s bitched at. Lovely. I’m over it.

This is EVERY.DAY. Every day he comes home from work and starts mixing Margaritas and doesn’t stop. Every day he goes out to Pepe’s for lunch and has a margarita with his lunch. I’ve asked him to stop doing that because its super expensive! Our company is suffering through this awful economy, and he’s spending 20 bucks EVERY DAY on lunch with a drink or two. EVERY DAY. Meanwhile, I buy the 88 cent Banquet frozen dinners from the grocery store, and that’s my lunch.

He’s an addict. Just like my son. And I’m tired of it. Three years he quit smoking (a three pack a day habit) because one of our friends’ little 12-year-old girl told him she hated it. So he traded smoking for drinking like a maniac instead, and now when I ask him to quit, he won’t! I tell him “it hurts me and it hurts  your kids”. Nothing changed. WTF?? Every day the kids say something about his drinking. Every day he still does it. Apparently some 12 year old kid that he sees once a year (they live far away) means more to him than his own family.

So, its New Years Day and I feel I have some decisions to make this year. I’m really really tired of this whole thing. I ask him, “what’s the matter with reality?” and I get no answer. Apparently his reality just sucks, and we all suck, because he has to drink us away. This is very hurtful to me, and to the rest of the kids. In true selfish addict fashion, that doesn’t matter.

Pissed off. Sad. Bad attitude.

Happy 2012 everyone! Hope you all had a very happy Christmas! Its been quite busy around here, sorry I haven’t updated (thanks for the push Madyson!)

My niece continues to have all sorts of trouble with her Crohn’s disease. She is in the hospital once again – this is the 6th hospitalization since October. I just sent my other niece and nephew home yesterday after having them staying here with me for several days while mom and dad dealt with Sarah. Continued prayers would be much appreciated!!

J did relapse. It was VERY brief. He used (heroin) 3 times before telling the “friend” that he could never have anything to do with him again and deleting his number in his phone and Facebook. I knew immediately, and laid down the law with him right away, but by then he had already left it behind on his own. For some reason it seems that pretty much all of our addicts relapse once, and then figure out that that’s NOT the life they want again after all. I did my best to not freak out, and am very glad he put it aside all on his own, and quickly.

Things I’ve learned this year:

1. Can’t trust anybody - not even your best friend. This one is really a bummer, because at almost 50 years old I guess I finally have to admit this to myself. After the whole debacle with having to fire Debbie for stealing from us, she continues to lie to MY friends about what really happened, and still hasn’t bothered to apologize, but yet doesn’t want to throw away our 30 year friendship. Grow up – really.

2. Family is everything. If there’s anything that Sarah’s illness has taught us, its that we are all we’ve REALLY got, and we truly mean the world to each other. We’ve shared tears, and hopes, and sadness, and even puke – LOL. She’s an amazing amazing girl (woman) and I wish like hell I could take this disease for her. I feel so helpless. All I can do is support her caretakers and love them endlessly.

3. If you really want it, you can have it. Never give up! Sarah, despite missing half her college semester, pulled 3 A’s and a B on her report card. She took her Calculus final from her hospital bed online. Such an inspiration!!

4. Love love love those that matter and let the others go.

Which brings me to my New Year’s resolution: I resolve to say “I love you” to at least one person each and every day of 2012. Whether it be my husband, or my child, or my brother, or my niece, or whoever. Such a powerful little sentence that can truly change your world.

What is your New Year’s resolution??

Hug one another.

So when my husband fired her this morning, she said she “was only trying to survive” by stealing from us. I had no idea that was justification for stealing from your friends!!

She is now going on Facebook and talking shit. Saying my husband “is a coward” because he fired her with a letter (yes, a letter of termination), and making threats of “taking care of him”. Wow.

Why is it that whenever people do something that is wrong and against the law, it somehow becomes the other person’s fault?? What the hell is so wrong with saying “I’m really sorry. I screwed up.” Why does it have to get ugly??

People suck.

I’m almost 50 years old and I’m just now REALLY figuring that out. You truly cannot trust ANYBODY.

My bff has burned me. We’ve been friends since high school. She’s worked for my husband’s company for 20 years. We just found out yesterday that she’s been stealing from the company. I’m so incredibly disheartened. This sucks so bad.

My husband is continuing his investigation today of exactly how much and to what capacity she’s been stealing from us. I’m certain we will not press charges – I just want her out of there. Its not a huge amount of money, its more the principle of the thing.

People suck.

I mean, really? Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? Because if the past is any indication, then I should just become a hermit now.

Let’s start with my first husband, whom I trusted enough to marry, and then he beat the shit out of me on a regular basis. Then lets move along to my father’s second wife, who abandoned all of us and her grandchildren after my father passed away. Lets move along to the three employees in the last 20 years that we’ve had to fire for stealing from us. And lets not even mention my own son – who became an addict, stole everything I owned that wasn’t  nailed down and pawned it for drug money. And I have my doubts about his integrity right now – another whole story for another day.

People suck.

 

Well we’re all signed up for next semester at school. So far so good. He’s actually getting better at choosing his friends. His latest BFF is a firefighter-EMT and a really good kid.

Onward and upward toward success!!

There used to be a time when I thought I could save them all. I remember Marcus especially, sitting at my kitchen counter talking about how he didn’t want to go back to juvee, after getting into trouble yet again, at 16 years old. I remember giving him the motherly advice, to “just go and get it done and then stay out of trouble. Everything will be okay.” I even allowed him to move in to my home, so he could find a job. He didn’t. He went on to rip off just about everything I owned, along with J. They pawned the stuff and went and bought drugs with the money. I kicked them both out. That was just the beginning of J’s friends effing me over. The lies. The stealing. Oh, they got me good! But at the beginning, when this all started, I really thought I could love them all through this. I really thought I could pray hard enough for all of us. I really thought I could make them all better.

I am jaded.

Today, years later now, J brought a new friend home. I’ve never met Cody. I have no idea who he is, or what he does, or if he gets into trouble. I only know that J introduced me to him, and my first thought was, “Hide my purse! Stash my stuff!”

Sad, really. I cannot trust anybody anymore. Despite the fact that J is doing very well, and seems to be staying clean and out of trouble. This is my own deal – I need to figure out how to get past the past. It’s sooooooooooo hard!

Any advice??