The more things change, the more they stay the same. While he is not doing drugs to my knowledge (it would be very hard as he is on house arrest for the next 3 months – essentially grounded to the place he is at via an ankle bracelet), he continues to still have contact with the same idiotic group of idiots from here. In fact, he is talking about getting back together with the girl he was with before he got arrested. WHAT-EVER. I just keep my mouth shut. Except wait! Oh, I thought he was GAY and having a relationship with the guy he is living with??? Oh wait, never mind! Changed his mind again! If only this child could make a damned DECISION and then stick with it for longer than 3 seconds!!! He changes his mind more often than I change my underwear!! Its ridiculous. Truly. So the latest is that he is going to find a job and save up for his own apartment and move the girlfriend down there with her 2 kids and live happily ever after. Oh, and he’s going to save up for DJ equipment and then start being a DJ on the weekends for some extra money (last week he was gay, living with Vince and going to college to get a business degree. 3 days ago he was moving back up here and going to the college here for Music/Sound Management). In my wildest dreams, he would decide on SOMETHING – ANYTHING, and then do it and be successful. Maybe someday…
Its Not My Problem.
Its not my turn to babysit him.
He’s been out 4 days, has dyed his hair, pierced his nipples, gotten back on Facebook and is talking to the same damn idiots from before. He does live 6 hours away from the idiots now, but still…
This is the part where I truly learn to “let go”. Its not my problem, and its not my turn to babysit him. He is 6 hours away from me now too. I think I like it that way. Let Vince figure out what to do with him now.
Still, I can’t help but feel the same trepidation as before. Its only a matter of time……..
Thank you for thinking of us Madyson! Yes, all is well. J is still incarcerated – he gets out this Friday, the 25th. So 2 more sleeps. Of course he will NOT be coming back to my house – he will be staying in southern Illinois with his friend. I did drive the 6 hours down there a couple of weeks ago to bring all of his possessions to Vince so J has them when he gets out, and I did go and visit J. That was the first time I had seen him since January. Long time… So prayers please!! For a successful “out” this time and for the rest of J’s life. That’s all we can do now is pray!
In other news, Patsy had her baby boy the other day – 6 weeks early. He is currently at Loyola Hospital in Chicago in the NICU where he will stay for the next month or so in order to grow a bit more. Patsy and I have stayed in touch and I hope it will always be that way.
Off to see what you guys been up to!
There’s so much backstory to this post that it would take half of forever to actually write it all out. Suffice it to say that I’m a little hurt, and have been feeling more and more hurt lately. Why? Because J has become “The Forgotten One”.
When I talk to my family, or even see them, NOBODY (and I mean nobody) EVER (and I mean EVER) asks about J.
“How is J doing?”
“What are J’s plans for when he gets out?”
“Just want to let you know that we think of him often and we are praying for him.”
Or how about even:
“How are YOU doing Carol? We UNDERSTAND this can’t be easy.”
NOPE. NOTHING. J and his addiction have successfully been swept under the rug, where nobody has to think about, talk about, or acknowledge its ugliness.
Nobody mentions him. Nobody asks about him. Nobody cares.
I got a letter from J yesterday. In it, he states that he is bisexual, has known he’s bisexual his whole life, and is in a relationship with Vince – the person he will be living with when he gets released. How much am I supposed to care about this? My emotions are purely selfish about this whole bit of news. First of all – I’ve known all along! I mean, duh!!! I’ve even told him, “If you are gay, just tell me! I’d rather have a gay son than an addict!” He assured me, “I’m not gay, I like girls way too much to be gay.” So now he’s declared himself bisexual. Whatever. The only thing I truly want is for my kid to figure out WHO he is, to be HAPPY with his decisions, to live his life CONSCIOUSLY each and every day, and to love AUTHENTICALLY.
So, what’s bugging me about this? First of all, Vince’s age – he’s about 17 years older than J. This makes me think that perhaps J “thinks” he wants to be in a relationship with him because Vince would/could “take care of” J. Let’s remember, J is a VERY SELFISH person who only has the ability to think of his own needs/wants and has NEVER been able to focus on anything more than that. So I’m not sure how AUTHENTIC this “relationship” truly is on his part. And I think Vince is actually a really nice person – and so its actually HIM I don’t want to be hurt by this! I’m afraid J will use the hell out of him to have a place to live and food in his belly and dump him as soon as a better offer comes along (probably from a girl).
J claims in the letter that “this is a reason he did drugs, because he was hiding who he truly was and he’s not going to hide it anymore”. News flash: He wasn’t hiding ANYTHING! As I’ve said, I knew! Everybody knew!
So, this is the part where mom “lets go”, and allows my son to make his own choices, his own mistakes and live his life the way HE CHOOSES, not the way I would like it to be. That’s hard. Cuz I just want him to be happy, preferably with a woman, and make me some grandbabies some day – LOL. Guess I just have to keep my damned mouth shut. Wish me luck!!
We’re just sailing along over here. J is hanging out in the state prison again. He has a job in the kitchen there. Its actually a full-time job, so he says it makes the days go by faster. He’s all set to move to his friend Vince’s house when he gets out just before Thanksgiving. Vince lives close by the jail (which is about 6 hours from me), and visits him about once a week. This is good, so they can hash out “the rules” before J gets there.
My husband continues to be clueless. His drinking continues, worse than ever. I bitch about it and get mad, so then he just tries (and fails) to hide it. He often comes home from work smelling of alcohol, which means he spent his lunch with Margaritas at Pepes. He’s even lied to me and told me “traffic sucks really bad” so he could stop at the bar on the way home. The kids are frustrated, I’m frustrated. Tequila makes him mean. He’s not mean to me, other than the lying to me. He does however call the kids lovely things like “moron” and “idiot” and “useless fat ass”. Especially my middle son, who apparently can’t ever do anything right. So then I get mad as hell and flip my lid at him. Not sure how much longer I want to live with way. At almost 51 years old, I’m beginning to dream of a peaceful, loving existence for my older years, and this definitely does NOT fit the bill.
To that end, I have been working hard to make some money. My portrait photography business is a complete joke, so I’m looking for other avenues of income. Because if I say, “I’m done, I’m outta here”, I KNOW FOR A FACT that he will be gone in an instant – off to live in some faraway place other than Illinois, and we will never hear from him again. He WILL abandon me and the kids – of that I have NO DOUBT. And that might be ok when it happens, as I really feel that I have had about enough of addiction in my life!! For some reason he does not understand that I’ve dealt with this crap for long enough with J, so why the HELL would I want to continue dealing with addiction???
about my addict. Except he wasn’t actually in it. I was with a young girl – not even sure who it was. We were in a crowded room together, and this group of bad guys came in with guns. They told us all in the room that they were making a movie of some sort and that we all had to perform a song or something or they would shoot us dead! (Told ya it was weird). So one guy refused and they blasted him with a storm of bullets. So all these people in the room went up there, either individually or with their group and did some sort of performance. It came to my turn and I went up there all by myself and started singing,
“You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine,
you make me happy
when skies are gray”.
The main guy declared that I sucked and he was gonna shoot me! I told him, “My kids loved that song when they were small.” And then I told him, “Go ahead and shoot me. Its ok. My son is in prison because he’s an addict, and a criminal and a bad person, just like you. Go ahead and kill me – then his momma won’t have to live with the pain of having a criminal for a son anymore.”
Then I woke up. Bawling. I actually woke up crying, and had to go into the washroom and blow my nose and wipe my eyes and stop the tears. I couldn’t stop crying!
Ugh, I wish like hell they had SOME idea of what they do to us parents.
I haven’t heard from J in about a week. And I don’t even mind it. I mean, I guess I miss him. Sorta. But not really. Last I heard they were moving him from the medium/maximum security prison to the minimum security prison, which is where he actually belongs.
Its not like last time. Last time I was all, “Waaaah wahhhh my son!!” This time its more like, “whateverrrrrrrr.”
I’m not only done with him, but totally over all his low-life friends too. My other son ran into one at the gas station and started telling me all about what he had to say, and I stopped him and told him I didn’t care and didn’t want to hear it. I just do not, will not, can not give a crap about these drama queen, idiot fools another day. This is actually a breakthrough for me, as in the past I would still give a crap about what these kids had to say. But not anymore. Sadly, the next to go is gonna have to be Patsy. I hate to do it, but I just cannot deal with her drama anymore. I told her after her mom died that I would always be here for her, but the only time I hear from her is when she wants pictures taken or her hair cut – otherwise nothing. We are friends on Facebook, and I constantly have to read about her petty drama queen crap, so I’m seriously thinking about de-friending her although I would feel bad. But I’m just sooooooo done.
My other 2 boys continue to be the greatest – thank God! My middle guy is in college and working, and my youngest is a freshman in high school who goes to Bible study on Friday mornings, and just doesn’t even care what the other kids think of him – he’s got his beliefs and values, and ain’t nobody gonna take that away. He honestly emanates God and all that is good. Its a strange feeling – its like you can feel him – like he has this aura of Godly beauty. Its actually kinda weird, but at the same time I love it! At 15 I have NEVER heard a swear word come out of his mouth, and never a bad thing to say. He is the one that looks exactly like J. I always tell him, “As long as you don’t behave like him”. And he assures me he never would.
I so don’t get addiction. How can one kid be such a mess, and another from exactly the same DNA have it all together so perfectly?? Man if only I could answer that question! I’d be rich!!!
“As I unclutter my life, I free myself to answer the callings of my soul.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer
Now that J is in jail (again), I have time to unclutter my life. Its a really good feeling. The chaos and firestorm he creates when he’s around is absolutely mind-boggling. And now there is peace…
I’m working on a new project. The photography industry is in a shambles to say the least, not to mention the fact that if I see one more “happy family” I’m gonna slap ’em! (Well, not really, but I just can’t do it anymore.) So, I’ve been racking my brain and racking my brain for a new way to bring in some income – since I can’t seem to GIVE my damned photography studio away (its been on the market for TWO YEARS). I’ve been trying to think of something for a loooooong time, and with all the other chaos in my life and in my brain, I couldn’t come up with anything. Now that J is gone again, my brain has quieted down. And I listened…
And God answered.
This is a really cool new endeavor I’m starting. Not only is it a way to make some extra income, but its also a great way to help others in the world who need it the most. I’m not going to go in to the particulars here yet, but when I launch I will let you all know. I’m working on building the website right now and I’m hoping to launch on Valentine’s Day, just cuz there’s so much love in my heart for this.
Do you know why the zoo posts this sign in front of every cage? That’s right – because if you feed the animals, they will become dependent on you and not take care of themselves.
I had this happen to me this week. Being as I’m a nice person, when Samantha (J’s ex who he knocked up who just had an abortion) asked me for $15 to get food and diapers for her daughter, I said yes.
Two hours later, HER FRIEND (who I don’t even know!!) is texting me asking for $20 so she can pick up her migraine medicine. Then, Samantha texts me AGAIN the next day asking for $10 so she can pick up her medicine. What the fuck do I look like, First Bank of Carol??
I said NO to both of them! However, please feel free to tell your low-life boyfriend who beats you and calls your baby daughter a whore to feel free to get off the fuckin’ video games and GET A JOB. Or hey, maybe YOU should try gettin’ one!!