Posted by: addictionstinks | November 30, 2012

I Can’t Do My Job Anymore

I’m a professional portrait photographer. A high-end, fine art, totally custom, charges a lot professional portrait photographer. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot stand it when all these “happy families” are in front of my camera. I cannot help but look at the little babies (boys especially) and think, “Oh please don’t let him grow up to be an addict.” Or even worse, “Grow up to be an addict, so your mom will know what it feels like!” (How bitchy is that???) I especially cannot deal with these young couples, not far off from J’s age, that are married, have careers and are having babies and bringing them to me. Not to mention the high school seniors who are about to embark on college, a career, and a good life.

Lately, when I get a phone call or an email for a shoot, I totally ignore it. I have a studio with a mortgage, and bills to pay, and I cannot do this anymore. My studio is for sale and has been for almost 2 years at this point, but nobody is buying right now, despite the fact that it is currently listed for $150k LESS than what I paid for it. I’ve been trying for these last couple of years – really I have. I muddle through these photo sessions with my lovely clients and I do my best. But after this latest development, I simply cannot do this anymore. And I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve tried so hard to NOT allow J’s crap to influence my life, but I just can’t help it. Its like the lady who can’t get pregnant having to work in the labor and delivery department at the hospital – its so painful. I’m seriously thinking about just shutting it all down the first of January, but then how will I possibly pay the bills here, since it won’t sell?

I don’t know how to work this out in my heart anymore…

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Responses

  1. I can relate to how you are feeling. My son, Billy, died of a drug overdose on June 23, 2012. It is very difficult to see others life’s going so well, when ours is crumbling. I think this deep despair we feel is the devil at work. I try and get up each morning, say my prayers and when my feet hit the ground, hopefully the devil says “Damn, she’s up again.” Also, I was told we do better if we are not “navel gazers.” (looking into and about ourselves all the time, cute saying I thought)Look out into the world, see the good and give of yourself. It does help. I have been volunteering at the local food pantry, and I does change my perspective on things. Maybe it’s time to take your talent to the streets and bring into the light all the suffering in the world. Maybe GOD is calling you in that direction. Do a photography project on the effects of addiction….You are in my thoughts and prayers…. I hope I did not overstep my bounderies here..Lauren

    • I am so sorry Lauren, for the loss of your son. Thank you – I think you have given me excellent advice!


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