Posted by: addictionstinks | November 29, 2012

Time To Do Me

I spent the whole day yesterday hunkered under a blanket crying my eyes out. This is all so new to me – I’ve never REALLY let him go. But I have now. I actually feel pretty good today. I haven’t heard from him at all – not a peep. Don’t know if he’s in jail, in a gutter, or just screwing some chick in between hits of heroin. Part of me hopes he’s checked into a rehab – but I know better. And I’m not gonna spend anymore time wondering. I AM LETTING GO.

A big part of trying and trying and trying soooooooo hard for all this time was 1) I truly hoped I could fix him (DUH), and 2) I was worried about what other people would think if my son was completely out of my life. However, it doesn’t matter anymore what other people think. Its not like J hasn’t been warned – I’ve been telling him for months that I can’t do this anymore and I’m on my last straw and he’s gonna be outta here. So outta here he is – and I’m ok with that.

Unfortunately this time around he had to involve a girl and her sweet innocent 2-year-old daughter. The girls was his girlfriend, and the daughter just loved J. That is until the girl found out J was using again. She immediately picked up her stuff and walked out the door. Good for her!! Lots of hurt hearts all the way around. Nothing new in the world of addiction.

I now know in my heart of hearts that I have done EVERYTHING possible to help my son, and that now I must let him go to maybe someday save himself. I wish I could put into words how disappointing it is that stupid me threw money at this stupid disease again (pyschiatrist and Suboxone), only to find out that he’s selling off the Suboxone for hits of the real stuff. I’m such an idiot. But no more.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

 

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Responses

  1. At least you are letting HIM own his addiction, not just rent it from you, with you having all the responsibility for it, and him all the (joy-bad word but you know what I mean). It truly IS his problem to solve. You haven’t so much kicked your son to the curb, as you have given him the gift of truly being able to grow up. Hopefully, he will, but there are no guarantee s. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  2. Listen, I have lived with the same thing for over 5 years now. This is when I broke off all contact with my daughter and now she will not talk to me anymore. 2 grandchildren were born during this time. I have never met them. Her husband hates me, but you know what, I have serenity. She has moved in with her dad and brought her whole family along. It is his choice, she could never live with me. She put me through hell, but I refused to stay there. Yes I miss her, like crazy at times, but I must honestly say that I have rebuilt my sanity and my life without her. I will always love her, no matter what, but I refuse to let her dictate my feelings and I know in my heart, that the drama would drive me to the grave. We all have our burdens to carry, but we have a choice. We can let it kill us or we can learn to live with it. I chose the latter. It’s not easy, but it is doable. Good luck to you, may he find his way back to a life without drugs. Hugs and prayers for you.


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