Posted by: addictionstinks | January 6, 2012

What Do You Do With Somebody Like This?

So my husband has quit drinking (at home). I suspect he’s still going out to lunch and having a margarita or two at Pepe’s every day, but whatever. But, he’s still an asshole.

I just got this text from Ron. He cc’ed me on the text he sent to my husband. Ron is our brother-in-law and works for my husband (we own our own business). Ron is out at a client’s business today doing a service call on their equipment.  Here’s the text: “What the F did you say and do to these people here? I have had 3 people tell me what a rude insulting asshole you were on the phone. I made the mistake of telling the first person you were the owner, that went well. When are you going to learn to think before you open your mouth?”

Wow.

I don’t know how my husband answered because it doesn’t copy me on his response. I’ve texted Ron to ask him what happened but he hasn’t answered me yet. I’m assuming he’s still on the service call, but I’m sure I’ll be getting a phone call as soon as he’s done.

Here’s the thing – EVERYONE tells my husband that he’s an asshole. Clients do. Employees do. His kids do. I do. That’s because he’s an asshole. He absolutely CANNOT manage to engage his brain before he engages his mouth. We’ve talked about this numerous times, but he totally does not get it. He’ll say to me, “I’m really sick and tired of everyone telling me I’m an asshole!” Well, ok, gee, maybe there’s a reason for it, and if you’re sick of it, you should do a little self examining and figure out why people say that. He’s chased away clients over the years who have said that they will NEVER talk to him again. Many employees have up and quit because they can’t take it.  Sometimes if he’s on the phone with a client at home, I have to sit there next to him and tell him to “talk nice.” He truly doesn’t see this in himself!!

Any suggestions on how in the world I can get him to understand, short of filing the divorce papers???

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Responses

  1. My husband doesn’t drink, but we are indeed living parallel lives. He is nice to customers, neighbors, etc. That leaves us to bear the brunt of all the crap he can’t get out of his system in the real world. He exhibits dry drunk behavior, I think. At the very least, he is obscessive compulsive and narcissistic. His dad was an alcoholic who broke my husband’s nose twice in his childhood. DH can be like this and then suddenly will do something nice, thoughtful, compassionate, and it totally leaves me thinking I’ve lost MY mind. My girls state that I am a saint. Not so. I’m probably as sick as him, in different ways (like taking the emotional abuse). My girls are both moving out asap because of it. Appropriate at their age, but sad that this is the reason! I can usually excuse myself from any of his rediculousness – and remind him I’m his equal, not his child. They have the daddy factor to deal with when he acts up. Ugh.

    In spite of this, my daughter has managed to maintain her sobriety this year, which was her goal. The other day he floored her/us by selling her a car for dirt cheap after her little clunker died. She was stunned and grateful. I don’t understand him. I am exhausted by his behavior and trying to run my business at the same time. I am not going anywhere, but I think I started this whole comment out to tell you, I hear you. I get it. It sucks. Why can’t spouses remember to treat each other BEST of all?

  2. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but we can’t change anyone’s behavior. Of course we would like to, but really….it’s impossible. How many women get married to ‘@ssholes’ thinking that once they are married they will ‘fix’ the flaws they see in their ‘loved’ one? Ha! Shock! The flaws can’t be fixed! It’s who the person is and unless they want to change…forget it!!! It’s like trying to mold a piece of steel…without heat! Wishing you and the above commenter the strength to ‘fix’ your situations by taking action yourselves. It’s your only hope for some peace. Take care!

  3. I agree that nothing you will say will fix him. He doesn’t want to be fixed. I have learned that I can take actions to take care of myself around toxic people. And I learned that I am powerless over making them change. Maybe a thing to do is to leave the room when he acts like an asshole. Just quietly walk away without saying a thing. Eventually, the message gets through by my actions which are that I won’t stick around when someone is being a jerk.


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