Posted by: addictionstinks | September 6, 2011

A Heartfelt Post

I just can’t seem to get along well with J anymore. Perhaps it’s because I’m still angry at him for all that he’s done? Perhaps it’s his behavior now? Perhaps I’m too afraid to get too close to him again? I don’t really know. All I know is that I pretty much want nothing to do with him right now. He’s annoying the crap out of me. He’s NEVER home. And when he is it’s just to sleep. I have NO IDEA who the hell he’s hanging out with or what he’s doing. My husband and I agreed that we need to sit down and talk to him, and we also have a drug test that I want him to take. But he’s NEVER even around to talk to him!!

Here’s what really annoys me: when he was in prison, he called me almost every day. But now that he’s out, I’m just chopped liver apparently. I was only good for when he was lonely. And when he wanted money in there.

Pretty much the ONLY time he talks to me is when he wants or needs something. Money. A ride. Whatever. I feel that he is being EXTREMELY selfish and I feel horribly used.

Last week he contacted the guy that he used to do heroin with on Facebook. I totally flipped my lid!!!!!!! He agreed that it was stupid to have done that, and that he wouldn’t talk to him again, but I don’t REALLY know what the hell he’s doing at any time cuz he’s never home. And then he got mad at ME for flipping my lid, and said he wasn’t going to apologize because he wasn’t really sorry. The kid is an asshole.

I’m such an idiot. I really thought things would be good now.

Granted, he is still in school, as of right now. And he is still looking for a job, as of right now. He is absolutely NOT just sitting here holding down my couch.

But I just don’t appreciate the way I am being treated. He is STILL a selfish asshole, and I guess he always will be, whether I like it or not.

Geez, I just called my kid an asshole. Twice. Well, if the shoe fits…

Thankfully, my other two boys are WONDERFUL boys! We have such a great relationship with each other! I’m just going to hold onto that for all that it’s worth right now, and thank God for them! I am so incredibly grateful for them.

And I’m so so so sorry that it looks as though I will never have that type of relationship with J, despite my best efforts. I really thought he would have changed. I had such dreams for us, as a family. Unfortunately he has been cursed with the selfish genes from my mother-in-law and the asshole genes from my brother-in-law. I guess it does run in families, cuz J is living proof.

I’m just so sad right now.

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Responses

  1. I can identify with your sadness. My daughter is an asshole too. She has had 2 kids in the last 3 1/2 years and had not even had the decency to tell me about it or anything else for that matter. Dawn said my daughter is an asshole, and I totally agree. It makes me angry and upset after all I have done for her. I think you just need to enforce your boundaries and explain them to J and then stick to them. Sorry you are having a hard time.

  2. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think your sadness is justified, you’re hurt and disappointed. Of course you thought that 2 years would make a difference, but sadly it sounds like J is still living with addict behavior (avoiding family, never home, etc.) I hesitate to say this but I will anyhow….the fact that he got a hold of one of his old heroin buddies scares me. Were they friends before heroin? Does the guy still use? Its so easy to slide right back into it. I hope and pray he doesn’t relapse. On the bright side, you have your other sons that are bringing happiness 🙂

  3. It sounds like typical addict/alcoholic behavior. Just because a person stops using, doesn’t mean that they don’t still have all the “isms” of the disease. Nothing changes unless he wants to seek a solution and looks at himself and what he is doing. Inventory is a powerful thing.

  4. Does he go to meetings? Does he have a sponsor? Does he work a recovery program? I know you can’t “make him” do these things, but he really needs to. You could make that a part of the living conditions in your house as well as a curfew. Just a few thoughts. In prison he had to obey the rules too, not that your house is a prison, but you know what I’m getting at!

  5. Bottom line. You cannot control, you didn’t cause, and there is no cure. That being said, as parents with whom J is living, you do have the right to have and Enforce certain RULES of the household.

    At the least, sitting on his ass should be a no-no. Treating you with less than respect also a no-no. Contacting users, again, verboten.

    There is just nowhere that says you have to LIKE your child, or the person he has become. Has nothing at all to do with love.

    And, although many would/will argue this with me, dam it all, I don’t think it is written somewhere that we, as parents are supposed to just throw out our expectations for reasonable be a iors out the window when the idiot child gets out of jail. No. We didn’t ut them i n there, they put themselves in there.

    If he is making you feel this uncomfortable, you need to look at the situation AS A WHOLE and say, what needs to be changed, ON J’S PART, because it doesn’t sound like the problem arises out of the behaviors of anyone else.

  6. I don’t think there’s anything genetic to do with it….his behaviors are VERY typical addict behaviors,…whether he’s actively using,(REALLY hope not) or whether he’s a non using addict that’s not working on his recovery,…for that means he’s not progressing to be a better person, one that’s not just wrapped up in SELF. He does sound like he’s wrapped up in himself and please don’t beat yourself up for hoping and even, yes, expecting, that he’d be someone that wasn’t acting like a using addict when he came home. I’ve seen all of the behaviors you are describing in our son, and it was when he was using….sad to say. Even if he’s NOT using,…he really does need to do something to progress …whether it be NA(my personal favorite)…or even at least, some counseling. I agree with what Barbara said….not good at all that he contacted his old using buddy…who could blame you for your reaction about that.

    I’m so sorry this is happening, after all your waiting and looking forward to a different life for him. Please though…do not feel like you’re foolish for hoping as his mother who loves him. I really do believe that he CAN change to “non-assholish” behavior ,..IF he works on a recovery program….or else, he’ll go back downhill. I’m praying that he very soon gets that realization. I’m praying for your peace too. Please let us know how you and he are doing.

  7. Hopefully, he is not using again and it is his behavior that he is still needing help on. I read through a lot of your old posts and it appears that he never had a drug program in jail which is really too bad. Two years locked up would have been a long time for him to get the help he needs.

    I have spoken to quite a few addicts and with the exception of very few they told me Jail/Prison NEVER helped them with sobriety and it wasn’t until they were in long term rehab that they finally got it.

    My prayers are with you and your family and especially J.

  8. Time the baby bird left the nest.

    In the animal world the parent birds would have pecked him to death by now.

  9. We are living parallel lives at the moment and I am sad too…


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