Posted by: addictionstinks | August 10, 2011

The Biggest Thing I’m Afraid Of

T minus 2 days and counting.

I’m scared.

This whole ordeal has been just awful to live through, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The biggest thing that I’m afraid of now is that my Nirvana is about to be shattered! It’s taken me a really long time to figure out that I wasn’t an awful parent. That J didn’t become an addict because of anything I did or didn’t do. It’s been many many hours and days of soul searching and deep thought to realize that I AM a good person. I AM a good mom. I’ve got 2 other (mostly) wonderful children. And we’ve enjoyed 2 years of peace now.

After being diagnosed with heart problems – I’m sure due to stress – I’m NOT looking forward to ever having to worry about J again to that extent. We are truly truly blessed that he is still alive. He almost died on his bathroom floor while his friends wouldn’t call an ambulance because there were drugs all over the house and they didn’t want to get in trouble. The only reason J is alive is because he vomited.

Just the thought of EVER having to even think about this again turns my stomach. While he’s been incarcerated he was (relatively) safe. He was not using. He had 3 meals and a bed. It was MY time – to come to grips with everything that has happened. To find my God. To fine my peace.

I don’t want this feeling to go away. It’s good and I like it. The last thing I need right now is J blowing through my house like a crazy man like before, tearing down everything I’ve worked so hard to build up while he’s been gone.

Yes, we’ve missed him. Yes, we want him home. Yes, we’re scared to death!

Please pray.

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Responses

  1. I will pray for you, J and your whole family. I think I would feel exactly the same, after experiencing 2 years of relative peace. Being scared seems like a normal reaction to me but you are brave and much wiser now. I am excited for you. Please let us know what his homecoming is like!

  2. very very hard to ‘not’ have those thoughts or feelings…..

    i never let my guard down with our son…..

    i will pray all goes well for your family…..

    i have read your blog and many others and they ALL give me hope…..

  3. I think any one of us would feel exactly as you do. Do you have a plan in place for IF things go bad? I am hoping with all my heart that they don’t. So many people are “done” after prison. If he truly was not using in there (and I don’t doubt that he stayed away from it but I know its in most prisons) then he should be well on his way. One can only hope and pray.


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