Posted by: addictionstinks | February 18, 2011

Do I Or Don’t I?

After talking with J on the phone yesterday, I have a dilemma that I need your help with. Would you, or wouldn’t you? Here’s the story:

After J was in prison serving his time for a couple of months, they informed him that he had another court date, for the charge he had been arrested for in another county. So, they took him to court. Of course he pled guilty and was sentenced for that crime too, to run concurrently with the other sentence. BUT, since it had been a couple of months before the writ came through for him, they added that time on to his sentence. In other words, he was supposed to get out in June, but they added time on and he gets out in August, because THEY didn’t have their shit together and get the writ out earlier.

Now, he has informed me that if I call his Public Defender, she can probably get this changed, so that he will get out in June. He of course, cannot call her from prison because they can only make collect calls from there, so I would have to handle this. Do I, or don’t I????

My first reaction was, “I kinda like you in there. I don’t know if I want to do this.” But, by the same token, I feel that it is unfair that he has to serve 2 months additional time simply because the system didn’t do what they needed to do on time. And even still, it should have gone toward time served. I really don’t understand why it didn’t.

So, on the Positive/Negative scale we have:

Negatives: 1) He would be out. And I get to go back to worrying/wondering. I know I shouldn’t because he’s 22 and its HIS recovery, but still. 2) See the Positives #1. IF parole says no he can’t come with us to Minnesota, then what??? There is NO WAY I would leave him home alone for 10 days, in my house.

Positives: 1) He would (maybe) get to come with us on our vacation to Minnesota. It would have to be approved by parole, but it would be nice to have him along. This would be Building Block A to repairing the relationship between him and his father. Nothin’ like fishing together to get them feeling good about one another again! 2)He wants to go back to school, and getting him out earlier would facilitate getting him started for the Fall semester. I really don’t know if we could get it all done if he gets out August 12th (his out date as of now), and I REALLY want him to start in the Fall. Fall classes start August 22nd. We would need to: Get his classes picked (with a counsellor probably), take the tests for English/Math, get registered, get books, find an apartment, blah blah blah, all in 10 days. Yikes!!

So these are my immediate thoughts and concerns. I just don’t know what to do???!!!??? Help!

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Responses

  1. I think he needs to live with the consequences of his actions. It is very unfair that they didn’t have their stuff together…but it isn’t your job to rescue. He needs to deal with the situation. You’re a strong wonderful mother who wants the best for her son! Please give him this gift!

  2. it’s called control. you are attempting to organize and control the situation, and it’s not YOUR situation. Find a meeting.

    • Hi Dawn
      Great response! I’ve been doing exactly that for the past 14 years… Trying and of course failing to contol every situation of my son’s addiction. It has taken all these years to realise that I am co-dependent!

  3. I would tell him to write a letter to his attorney, detailing his concerns. If he does not know the address, I would try to find out for him. Other than that I would not get involved, but that is just me. Hope this helps. (I feel that if you were not available to help, he’d have to do it himself too).

  4. This is going to sound heartless, but I reached a point where I decided my daughter could handle this stuff and thereby gain some of that “dignity from the realization that she could, and did, do it herself” that Annette mentioned once. I mailed her plain lined paper, envelopes and stamps. There was also that one form I printed, that she needed, but I mailed it to her to fill out. And the address of her public defender. She took it from there.

    (She did send me a completed form to fax once because she had no access to a fax machine and only a fax number for where it needed to go.)

    I think your son probably has time to get this resolved by snail mail but only you/he can determine that for sure.

    I’ve only been to court with mine once, and that was for a similar issue just recently. Despite letter writing, red tape bogged her down and she needed a ride to court to handle it with the judge in person and I stayed (for reasons of curiosity and conserving gas!) to see the court session. But she did it herself. She seemed to gain some confidence from these efforts on her part.

    But again, only you can decide what is right/best for you!

    Anyway, please know that prayers continue and you are in my thoughts!

  5. I would leave it up to him. It is his business.

  6. I’m too much like you to be of any service to your decision making process 🙂 But wise voices have left their thoughts. None of this stuff is easy and its not fair that WE have to suffer even with decisions. Not Fair


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