Posted by: addictionstinks | February 11, 2011

Deny Deny Deny

Happy Friday everyone!! Today I wanted to talk about denial. There are several blogs out there that have touched on this subject just a little bit lately, whether it be a new blogger, or an old blogger. I’m not even thinking about anybody in partcular, because we’ve all done it!! DENY!!

Denial and the way us parents dish it out equals up to the perfect storm for our young addicts. They start experimenting with drugs, we deny that its happening and keep on giving them everything they want, they take take take, as all selfish addicts will, and use all of our generosity to no good. Sound familiar? It should, because YOU did this too! So did I! So did you, and you, and you! You know I’m pointing my finger your way!!

Unfortunately, there is no way to stop this storm! Us parents KNOW what’s going on, but we don’t really want to know. So we pretend we don’t know. No amount of educating us is going to stop this cycle. Its the same for every.single.parent.of.an.addict. You’re  no different than I was, or he was, or she was! And in your own good time, you will “see the light”, become fed up, and turn off the spigot. Nobody can make you do it. You will do it when you are ready, just like your addict will only get clean when he/she is ready.

AA/NA preaches to “do not enable” them anymore!!!! But you continue to enable them. You KNOW not to do this!! But since you deny there is a problem, of course you will deny that giving them $20 is going to potentially hurt them. I did this. You did this. And so did you, and you and you. And I can preach at you to NOT do this until the cows come home!! But you’re going to do it again and again and again, until you are ready.

After all, how could this perfect child – my baby – be doing such horrid things?? This can’t be so!!

Oh, but it is.

But how could it be? Where did I go wrong as a parent?

YOU didn’t go wrong. Your child did.

Let me say that again.

YOU DIDN’T GO WRONG.

Read it again.

Now read it again.

I say this because this was THE HARDEST thing for me to get through my head, as his parent. That I didn’t do anything wrong. I raised him right. I taught him right from wrong. I was a good parent. HE made the wrong choices. I struggled with this for many many years, and finally, a little more than a year ago, the light bulb went on!! But it took, STOPPING THE DENIAL, then moving him out of my home (because I would not allow such behavior in my home anymore) to teach me this. After all, now he wasn’t under my wing, or under my rule. I had ZERO influence on him on a day-to-day basis anymore. He didn’t live with me. I only saw him every couple of weeks now. And guess what???? He STILL did drugs!! He STILL got arrested!! Imagine that!!!!!!! I wasn’t there to influence him one way or the other, and it STILL happened!! Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…………

The minute I figured out that I WASN’T TO BLAME, my entire outlook turned around. After all, if I wasn’t to blame, then obviously I wasn’t the one who could stop this either. I had to step back and allow him to take his consequences. And oh, the consequences have been awful!! He’s got six more months of serving his time before some of his debt will be repaid to society. And after that, he’s got another 2 years of parole to finish paying his debt.

Oh, if I could have stopped him from going to prison, believe me, I would have!! BUT – I don’t hold that much power. And neither do you. Or you. Or you. We can’t influence our children to that extent. They have their own minds, and need to make their own mistakes. If only we could stop them…….

Holy crap – we’d be rich!! If we could find the answer!! That would be awesome!! No other parent would EVER have to suffer! No other child would EVER have to kill themselves with this shit!!

If only……………

Advertisements

Responses

  1. I don’t like you anymore and I see you pointing that evil little finger at me…(kidding) LOL I hear you…if only.

    • Oh Madyson! Noooooooo!!! That’s just my point – we ALL have done this!! No finger pointing here!! After all, “those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”

  2. Great post. There is nothing that any of us have done wrong. We did what we thought showed love but it just hurt the alcoholic/addict. I had to learn that by not having boundaries and by enabling I was indeed perpetuating the problem.

  3. oh my AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    And, what FREEDOM that brought! The constant headache disappeared. The horrid knot in both sides of my back went away. The constant feeling of being sick to my stomach went away.

    I decided my daughter was going to die, sooner or later, didn’t matter. I started grief counseling at the same time I quit enabling.

    OMGosh, how much it helped me. It helped me to let go of what I thought my baby would become, and realize THAT person no longer exists.

    It allowed me to take MY life back from the insanity. You remember that commercial of the physical fitness lady, the one with the really short blonde hair who used to scream “STOP THE MADNESS!”

    That, became MY mantra. Only I could stop the madness. Because only I was allowing it.

    Every time she would call, before I answered, I would say, Dawn? Stop the madness.

    If she started, I hung up. Just hung up on her, in the middle of the word, sentence, whatever. then, when she called back, i just simply unplugged the phone and went to clean the kitchen or whatever.

    When she called back after I plugged the phone in, I would say, If you start whining, crying, begging, pleading, or lying, I will again hang up on you. Don’t do it.

    It took about 2 years before I had to quit hanging up during most conversations.

    Consistency in my behavior was a GOOD thing. A hard thing sometimes, but a good thing.

  4. Enabling is not the cause of addiction, or the reason addiction continues. Twenty bucks one way or another is meaningless.

    Parent’s don’t have the absolute power to stop addiction. But who choose to can play an important role in their child’s recovery.

    Parents often come to feel powerless. It’s the most dangerous form of denial of all.

    Your post inspired me to write a post on my own blog called: Powerlessness The Most Dangerous Form Of Parental Denial.

    I’d like to hear what you think.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: