Posted by: addictionstinks | June 7, 2010

Empowering Patsy

J’s girlfriend’s name is Patsy. Its a fitting name – she’s a Patsy. I love her to death, but can you say “doormat?!” They’ve been together for almost 4 years, and this whole time she has put up with his lies, cheating on her, doing drugs, arrests, jail times, more lies, more cheating, more drugs (you get the picture).

She’s in the process of moving into my house. I’ll be helping her get a job, get through college, etc. There is NOTHING for her at her house. Nobody there has a car, license, job, or any form of intelligence whatsoever.

Anyhow, last night she showed me this (pathetic) letter that she wrote to J. In it, she’s saying things like, “I heard you were chasing Miranda and wanted to screw around with her. Is this true? Cuz if it is, just tell me the truth.” And, “I heard you told so-and-so that I drive you crazy and you don’t know if you love me. If this is true, just tell me.” And my favorite, “I can’t make you love me, or want to be with me….”

All very pathetic. We had a looooooooooooong talk about empowering herself. I told her to re-write that letter, this time from a different perspective. The WHOLE letter is giving ALL the power to J!!! The ball is in HIS court!! Doormat behavior!!!! So her assignment was to write the letter from the perspective of what PATSY wants and expects from J. Ya know, like, “My moral code is that I don’t cheat on my significant other, and I don’t do drugs. If you can live within my moral code, great! If not, see ya!!” I haven’t read the new letter yet (had to go to work).

It just kinda makes me sick. Patsy is such a great kid!! I have nooooooooo idea why she puts up with his shit, and she’s GONNA learn that she doesn’t have to. He’s gone for a whole year, and she’s gonna be at my house, and we’re gonna work A LOT on empowering Patsy!! J is a total control freak, and she’s let him have ALL the control in the relationship. Things as stupid as “Don’t put your hair up in a ponytail, I like it down” coming out of J’s mouth, and she would NOT put it up!! Or “Don’t wear make-up” so she doesn’t wear make-up!! (She did inform me yesterday that she would like to go shopping for some make-up – YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Call me a bitch, but I told her if my man told me not to put my hair up, I’d look at him like he had 3 heads, flip him off and do it anyways. In fact, when we first got married, my husband had the NERVE to tell me that he didn’t want me to cut my hair short on the day of my trip to the salon. Guess what!? BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ – it was gone when I got home!!! Seriously, friends were buying me Camo outfits cuz I looked like GI-Jane. Its only hair – it grows back! And I made my point. He has NEVER said such a thing to me again, and we’ve been together for 23 years.

On another note, I’m working on getting Patsy into college. Do any of you have any experience with college for kids that are Learning Disabled? Patsy is LD, and I know the community college here has some resources (tutoring, special accommodations), but what I’m most not sure of is exactly what her disability entails and how to deal with it. And even IF she can succeed at college. I put out an email to her special ed teacher at her high school – hoping to hear back as school is out for summer, and I hope she checks her emails. In the meantime, I’m kinda new to this, and kinda lost. She had an IEP all through school. I’m not sure if she has the potential, and it is untapped (because she had ZERO support at home), or what? How do I figure this out? Any help from those in the know would be greatly appreciated!!




  1. Right On!!! I couldn’t agree with you more on this post! My son gets on kicks sometimes too with his girlfriend and it makes me crazy when he says he’s mad at her because she needs to learn to respect him?!?! WHAT?? You earn respect pal, this isn’t the hood and we don’t scare or intimidate young women to get respect!! Best of luck with the emporement of Patsy ~ how great!!

  2. Wow! I am so excited for Patsy! What a fantastic opportunity she has to decide what SHE wants, and to pursue it, and especially with your encouragement and mentoring.

    And what Kristi said – Amen! You EARN respect. At least, that’s how I feel!!

    Hugs and prayers!

  3. I’m so glad Patsy has someone in her life that can teach her she does not have to put up with being treated that way. I have to wonder if its all tied together – coming from a family who obviously doesn’t seem to care much and having an LD she probably has developed a really low self esteem and believes she has to put up being treated poorly.

    Your question about her potential and ability to learn is a good one. Hopefully the college has some resources, someone who can talk to her, test her, etc. to see where she’s at and what is best for her.

    One positive thing I can say about my son is that he treats his girlfriends really well…I just wish he would do a better job of choosing one!

  4. Good for you! Patsy is so fortunate to have you in her life to support and mentor her. My son had a wonderful girlfriend that he treated badly for over three years. I used to call him out right in front of them when he would be disrepectful to her, and often talked to her about empowerment. She has moved to another state and will be marrying another man next summer. I was sad she wouldn’t be a permanent part of our family, but happy she is now happy. GO PATSY!!!

  5. Bless your heart. I wish I’d had someone like you in my life before I married my ex-husband. Instead it took me 11 painful years of worsening abuse (verbal, emotional, financial and physical) before I understood that I was someone. That I counted. And that I was worth so much more than I was getting. She is soooo lucky to have you.
    As far as the LD, here in Canada, her high school IEP would be used to determine accomodations in college. They would continue to carry it forward. So make sure that Patsy has a copy of her latest one and that it is noted on her college apps.
    God Bless. And I’m praying for all of you.

  6. May God bless your efforts to help Patsy. Please know that you are all in our prayers.


  7. You go girl! I too wonder why J’s girlfriend sticks by him.

  8. I’m glad that Patsy will hear your E, S, and H. It sounds as if she needs to learn to focus on herself and not your son.

    As far as LD, she will need to be diagnosed and from there, she perhaps could get on medication (if ADHD). Most schools are willing to help those with LD’s.

  9. It sounds like Patsy suffered from low self esteem. No wonder considering her background and family environment. What a sweet thing to do to take this girl under your wing. She has a chance in life with your guidance.

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