Posted by: addictionstinks | June 1, 2010

Co-Dependent No More

I’ve seen a lot of people talking about their co-dependency on the other blogs this week, and it just occurred to me: I am co-dependent no more.

Not by choice, mind you. I’ve been forced into giving up my co-dependency for J. Since he is in Stateville, I have no contact with him. I can write him a letter, but to my understanding, not many of the letters actually make it through to the intended recipient. He cannot write to me. He did write me a brief letter when he first got there – I believe that they gave him ONE write-out upon arrival, and no more will be given. I cannot call him, he cannot call me. I cannot visit him.

The silence is quite deafening.

When he was in county jail, he could still call me collect. Which he did, although most times I wouldn’t even pick it up, because the cost is horrendous!!! Every Sunday they would give the inmates one free write-out so he could write, which he did. I could also visit him on visiting days, which I often did, bringing his girlfriend along as well.

Its kind of eerie, but at the same time, quite peaceful. Kind of nice not to get the desparate “Put money on my books” or “PLEASE come visit me” calls and letters. I’m not quite sure how to handle this silence – its been so long since I’ve known any sort of quiet with J. I know I “should” be enjoying this peace while I have it, but I’m not so sure that I really am. Its just weird. This is going to take some getting used to.

And on a completely different note: I just finished reading a book called “Come Back” by Claire and Mia Fontaine. The book is written by both mother and daughter, and chronicles their journey through Mia’s addiction and recovery. I read this book the first time several years ago, when J’s addiction was only beginning to be a blip on my radar screen. I had no idea at the time how far this would go. In re-reading the book now, years later, and much heartache later, its been more useful in realizing patterns of control/co-dependency in myself. They get heavily into the recovery process and what the classes entail, for both the daughter and the mother in the book. It was a good read, once again!! I think I need to read it again again, with a yellow highlighter in hand this time.

Hope everyone had a great 3-day weekend! Mine was spent celebrating my second son’s high school graduation on Sunday, which was also my birthday, although that seemed to pass without much notice by me (which is fineeeeee with me – LOL). It was way more fun to have the day be about the graduate!!!



  1. I still have some co-dependent tendencies. It takes a long time to get over the behavior. I am much more aware of my behavior but still can be thrown off when I am criticized or when someone I love is hurting and asks for help. I have the tools and have to keep them available to guide me through my tendency to pick up problems that don’t have my name on them.

  2. Along with Syd, I also tend to slip at times and have my own “relapses”. It takes time to get used to the silence and no chaos going on, time to get to know who we are and we like to do with our time other than “fix” others. Enjoy the silence, you will come to love it.

  3. At this moment in time, I long for silence. Although my daughter is clean and in treatment right now, I’m getting at least two calls a day from her. She needs this or that and expects me to “fix” all of her problems. I can’t avoid her calls because they show up as private caller and so does my work. Give yourself time. I agree with Renee I think that you will come to enjoy the silence.

  4. I almost feel guilty at times, because I am truly enjoying the quiet. At the same time, however, I’m still rather sad. I miss the energy and joy my daughter brings into my life (when she is sober).

    I’m using the time to accomplish some projects and take better care of me. And I write a lot of letters to her. And postcards. Postcards get through faster since they can be read quickly and don’t require searching inside, etc.

    Take care and God bless!

  5. I am going to look for that book in the library thank you for the recommendation! Enjoy the silence even though it must feel quite odd.

  6. Thanks for the book rec!
    I know what you mean about the separation. I experienced that a bit in the months I didn’t have contact with Heather. It’s like I was learning all this stuff in Al-Anon and wondering if I’d ever be able to put it to use.
    God bless.

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