Posted by: addictionstinks | May 17, 2010

Oh God!

I just checked the DOC website to see if J had been transferred yet, and it looks like he was transferred out on Friday. He has left the cute little county jail here, and is now in reception at the state prison. He will be there for a couple of weeks and then transferred out to another prison to serve his sentence.

I clicked on the link with his name, and up comes his mugshots and information. I burst into tears! I’ve been bawling my eyes out here since I saw this. It has all come down to this…….

He looks horrendous in the mugshot – so sad.

I can’t stop this bawling.

This sux!!!

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Responses

  1. This is the way that it is today. I’m sorry that J’s choices have affected you so much. I am hoping that you’ll realize that your life doesn’t have to come down to feeling miserable because of his choices. Take care of yourself!

    • Syd – I know you’re right, but he’s my son. I can’t help it! I love him so incredibly much, and my heart is just breaking. I wish it was so easy to “realize that my life doesn’t have to come down to feeling miserable because of his choices.” Its not so easy. It is this deep deep ache in my heart that I can’t make go away. I’m sick over this!

  2. Oh Sweetie, I know how crappy this feels! Its your baby, your little boy who you had big hopes and dreams for. But remember – this is still the beginning of life for him. He still has his entire future to turn things around.

    Anthony is in state prison and once he got transferred out of the main area they usually put the drug offenders in a low risk area which he says is like “boys camp”. He gets to do stuff all day and the time flies by. I hope that makes you feel better in some small way.

    I know Syd means well but he’s not a mother….I think most of us mother’s understand exactly how you feel. I was SO SICK Friday with that same ache in my heart, a rock in my gut and my eyes burning and swollen from tears. It slowly subsided by Sunday afternoon but I still feel the ache faintly – I don’t think it will ever be completely gone.

    Write me if you need to talk.

  3. Keeping you and J in my prayers! My heart just aches for you. When Jake was in county I would just cry to the point of sobs everytime I looked at his mug shot….he just looked terrible, like such a lost kid and it broke my heart! It was a physical pain and I hate it everytime something happens and I feel that pain. Try to hang there and I hope this time goes by quickly for you both and I pray this is the “bottom” J needs to turn everything around!

  4. I have been struggling on detaching with love for my son for quite some time now. I know how to detach in anger, frustration, sadness, but to do it with love most of the time escapes me. It is just said and we have to just mourn what is and try to move forward. He does have many years to live his life and work through his problems. It is hard, but we must try to allow our sons to have the dignity to work on their problems and addiction issues without our “help”. All we can do is cry and then try hard to take extra good care of ourselves. You are not alone.

  5. I have been struggling on detaching with love for my son for quite some time now. I know how to detach in anger, frustration, sadness, but to do it with love most of the time escapes me. It is just sad and we have to just mourn what is and try to move forward. He does have many years to live his life and work through his problems. It is hard, but we must try to allow our sons to have the dignity to work on their problems and addiction issues without our “help”. All we can do is cry and then try hard to take extra good care of ourselves. You are not alone.

  6. I am glad you enjoyed my blog, and I will definitely keep in touch.
    I wanted to say something about this post. At least, in jail, you will know your son is safe. At least you know he will not be using, and this whole incident may be the turning point you have been desperately hoping for.
    I know that my experience in jail is what finally did it for me. When I was stuck in there, the only thing I wanted was to get out. When I did, I had lost my husband and I thought I was all alone. In order to stay out of jail, I realized I had to turn my life around.
    Court ordered rehab was where it all started, taking a deeper look at myself. I was determined to never go back to jail, and that was a much needed turning point. It was shaky for a while, but the ground eventually gets more stable. It is a long road, but my loving (and also somewhat hard nosed) parents are what has made my sobriety possible.
    Hang in there. This could be the blessing that you need. Sometimes blessings are disguised as tradgedy and heartache. Be thankful he is safe.
    Also, when I was in jail, I always made it out to be worse than it was when I talked to my mother. I guess I wanted her to feel sorry for me in hopes she could get me out. Don’t get me wrong, jail is terrible. But, it is relatively safe. And it gives the inmate a lot of time to think. Please hang in there when you talk to your son…it will be hard. Just keep the faith that all will one day be ok.
    Send me an email if you need ANYTHING.
    Much Love.

  7. I am so sorry. I can hear your anguish and wish there was something any of us could say or do to help you in this situation but there really isn’t. The only thing I can tell you is, you will not feel like this for long. You will get past this and start living again. I am praying that it is soon.

  8. Hopefully once you get a chance to talk to him or find out more direct information your mind will be put at some ease. In the meanwhile I would be doing the same as you… I don’t have any experience to share with you, but I do have prayers I will send for you and J.
    God bless.
    Oh, and a (((BIG HUG))) for you!

  9. I don’t know if this will help, but I find the grief for me comes in waves. Initially closer together, now with some time between them. I would suggest you give yourself a sort of period of time to feel it and then tell yourself when that time is up, you’re going to act as if you feel a bit better.

    I’m not making sense. But this last time, when my daughter went to prison, the grief snuck up on me a bit unexpectedly in its intensity. It hit on a Friday, and I told myself, okay, this weekend, I’m going to just not expect anything from myself and I’m going to just wallow in it. I cried, I stayed in my jammies, I sewed a bit, and I napped often. But I told myself after Sunday night, I had to be back to functional. Monday morning I got up and dealt with the world. I’m teary now and then, but I really got the most of it out of my system, in a sense. (the grief about prison, not addiction in general – that’s a dull haze over everything, but I am getting better at dealing with that.)

    Again, I’m not sure I am making sense, but over the last ten years when she’s had relapses or incarcerations, I’ve just let myself grieve them, with a sort of a mental end to the actual grieving process in mind. A point where, okay, I know that at that time, I’m going to man up and do what I have to do, from that point on. (til the next incarceration!)

    My mom is the one who taught me this. When she lost her dad unexpectedly on the operating table, she told her mom that once a day, they could have a rainshower (crying fit). One rainshower a day and it could be a hell of a thunderstorm if needed. Then they needed to endeavor to be done til the next day. Same principle, I think. I accept that I need to grieve, I do a bang up job of it, and then I find it easier to move on til the next wave hits shore.

    I’ll hush now… Please know I’m praying for you and your son, and hope your heart will feel lighter soon!

    • You are making all the sense in the world, and you described my grief perfectly! Thank you!


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