Posted by: addictionstinks | May 10, 2010

Rock Bottom

A little while back Dad over at http://www.parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/ wrote about rock bottom. How everybody’s rock bottom is different, and its known that addicts won’t truly start recovering until they hit their rock bottom.

Apparently, county jail, rehab, and more jail time is not rock bottom enough for my son. After spending the better part of this past year incarcerated in some form, he got out, got high, and got arrested yet again, and is now back in county jail awaiting his transfer to prison.

I feel its time for me to force rock bottom on him. He called today and asked me to come visit him tomorrow. I said no. I told him I can’t, it makes me too angry, and if he wasn’t so selfish he could see this from my point of view. So now the arument is on! And it goes something like this:

Me: “I’m not coming, it makes me too angry to see you in there again.”

Him: “Well you don’t have to be angry.”

Me: “I can’t help it.”

Him: “Yes you can.”

Me: “Well gee, I’m so glad you get to tell me how I can feel. I can’t help it.”

Him: “Yes you can”

Me: “If you weren’t so selfish you would understand this from my point of view.”

Him: “I do understand.”

Me: “Then why do you keep telling me that I don’t have to be angry. I CAN’T HELP IT!”

Him: “Yes you can.”

So in other words, he’s in one breath telling me he understands how I feel, and in the next breath telling me I can control my angry feelings and come visit cuz its what HE wants. But he’s not selfish. ARRRRGH!

So then the phone call ends (they only give him 20 minutes per call). But before the end of the call, he’s telling me “Well I’ll just call you back.” Ummmmmmm, no! In other words he’s gonna call me back so he can argue with me some more about HOW I AM FEELING and try to get what he wants. But he’s not selfish.

So then about an hour later the phone rings and my caller ID (which speaks) says “Call from Pay Phone” (that’s J). I ignore it.

He calls again. I ignore it.

He calls again. I ignore it.

He calls again. I ignore it.

Good thing a client wasn’t there at the time cuz they would have been wondering WTF????

He knows he’s calling me AT WORK, and that there COULD be a client there. But yet, he keeps calling, like 10 times! But he’s not selfish.

At this point, I am DONE. No more phone calls, no more visits, nothing. I’m forcing into rock bottom by losing his mommy too this time. We’ve always been really close, and this is gonna be really hard for him. But I’m hoping it will be the kick in the ass he needs to NEVER do this again.

Its come to this. I’m whipping that giant brick at the side of his head, and this time it is NOT gonna miss. Somehow he needs to see that we do NOT need to bear this pain any longer, or put up with his selfish crap another minute. DONE!!!

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Responses

  1. I pray that your son does eventually “get it” while he’s incarcerated….it would at least give purpose to his being locked up. My son got out of county jail in mid March, after a 3 month stay.,..I wanted to see him but then every visit I would leave irritated and frustrated with him. He would tell me that I didn’t understand what he was going through because I wasn’t the one locked up!!! oh really?? My mantra to him has always been, “we live by the choices we make.”. My son and I have always been very close too, that’s what made me his easiest target for manipulation – not so much anymore. Wishing you the best!!

  2. Feelings just are. They exist. They are neither right, nor wrong. They just are.

    You are angry. You are sad. It isn’t something you can do anything about (having the feeling), but what you do as a result of the feeling is the part you can control…. He just will have to accept that you are angry or sad when you see him in jail and you have the right not to put yourself through it. Just like he had the right to put himself there to begin with.

    When my daughter was in county, I permitted one collect call a week on Wednesday and I visited on Sunday. This last time, for my mental health, I did not visit. I had hoped her stay would be short. Instead, she is in prison. Before she left for prison, in our last conversation, I told her, one call when you first get call privileges, one call on your birthday, and one call to let me know what bus to meet when you get out. That’s it! Those calls are expensive and they only serve to punish the families, who once again, had little or nothing to do with the fact that their kids have ended up in jail/prison.

    Sigh. Anyway, I am praying…. hope you have a better week! Remember, you can block calls for a while, and unblock the jail number later, if it gets too excessive!

    I hope and pray that he “gets it”!!

  3. Sometimes enough is enough. I have realized this two years ago. My daughter was in jail for three months once, and she was in minimum security and I was allowed to sit at a long table across from her with about twenth other family members visiting female inmates at the same time. We were not allowed to touch the inmates. One time a man next to me had a tiny baby with him that he placed on the table for the mother to see it. She was not allowed touch it. I thought to myself, how can you live like this. The warden lady came over to me and told me that night after night she sees the moms, dads, husbands of the inmates coming in here bringng the kids to visit their moms and she said it just breaks her heart. I told my daughter how hard it was fore to come visit her in jail and she just groaned and said, mom, you should be in here if you think it is hard to visit.
    I have decided to keep my sanity, I cannot deal with her anymore, and I definitely won’t visit her in jail ever again. We have to stick to our boundaries.

  4. you have to take care of YOU and the rest of your family/friends.

    your son’s decisions…and CONSEQUENCES are HIS to experience, not yours.

    hang in there.

  5. I agree with Dawn. It’s not about whether the addict hits bottom or what the addict thinks. It is what I think and what I feel. I no longer get in arguments or let others tell me what to feel. I establish a boundary and stick to it. I am not living for the convenience of another. I keep the focus on my feelings and simply say NO. I don’t offer up explanations or try to explain the inventory of another. I look at my own side of the street and keep it clean.

  6. Let me know how the brick upside the head thing works…I may try it. The “no mommy” thing is next on my list. You are a strong woman.

  7. Hey, you said this is hard on him, I know it is hard on you. Get the book (if you want – I see how that sounded like an order! lol) Beyond the Yellow Brick Road – Revised by Bob Meehan. (It’s a -short- book on what to do if your kid is on drugs) There is a story in there where the parents did just what you’re doing when their son went to jail (again). It worked. The book might help give you some strength. It did me in many other areas 🙂
    God bless.


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