Posted by: addictionstinks | May 8, 2010

Flipped My Lid

So I figured I would take J’s girlfriend up to see him in jail today, since he’s only gonna be there for a short time, and then transferred to prison – who knows where.

I totally lost it when I saw him in that jail orange suit AGAIN, behind the glass AGAIN.

Basically I told him that he is on his own for these next 4 months – I can’t do it. I can’t see him like this anymore. It hurts too much. And he is so GOD DAMNED selfish that he can’t even see the past the end of his own nose to see what he’s doing to his girlfriend, who he claims to love, and to me, his mother. I ranted for about 5 minutes then slammed down the phone and turned my back so I didn’t have to see him anymore, and let his girlfriend talk to him for the rest of the time. I slammed the phone so hard that the officer opened the door to make sure all was ok. Oops.

Of course this entire rant I am in tears. Then, he tells me that he just figured out 2 or 3 days ago how selfish he has been! Yeah right!! Apparently he’s a really SLOW learner, cuz I’ve been telling him for years how much this hurts me.

His girlfriend agreed that she doesn’t want to visit him anymore – its too hurtful. And then she even bitched him out for hurting his mother like this. You go girl!!

So then of course, the phone calls start this evening. Its $9.99 to accept a phone call from him on my cell phone. I made the mistake of doing that ONCE when he got arrested the other day, because they didn’t actually tell me it would cost me 10 bucks until AFTER I pushed 1 to accept the call. So during the course of that conversation I told him that that was the ONLY time that was happening!! 10 bucks a phone call!! Man, I’m in the WRONG business!!

Anyways, he would call my cell, the operator would say “You are receiving a call from an inmate at XXXX county jail”. Then J would be able to say something that I could hear. He would say, “Pick up, important”. NOT! Click! He would call again, say, “Pick up, really important.” NOT! Click! He called again, said, “Pick the fuck up!” (Like that’s gonna make me). NOT! Click! After about 12 time of doing this, he finally said, “Pick up, need meds.” Well now why didn’t you say that 11 phone calls ago?????? He needs his Paxil. He hasn’t had one now in about a week or more, or I’m sure he was feeling a little bit bad after our conversation today.

So I ran the meds up there (the jail is about 5 minutes from my house). The officer assured me that he was fine, and he would get his meds tomorrow, after they can get them approved. Of course the nurse is gone tonight, as its 8:30 PM.

All in all, NOT a good day. Not a good visit. Not in a good mood. Not happy.

Just another day in Paradise. NOT!

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Responses

  1. Ugh. Sorry you had such a crappy day. I would have flipped my lid too. I remember how downright rude and mean Keven was to me when he was in jail…you’d think that would be a time that they’d be a bit more humble and polite.

    Enjoy your other children tomorrow as you celebrate Mother’s Day. I hope J sits in jail tomorrow thinking about YOU and realizing how lucky he is to have you as a mom.

  2. It’s truley exhausting, isn’t it?? Inspite of what’s happening with J at the moment, I hope you have a very nice Mother’s Day…you deserve it, we all do!! I too hated seeing my son (also 19) in jail, but like so many others…I could finally sleep at night knowing he was being fed, I knew where he was everyday and he would still be alive the next day – it’s a sad state of affairs we deal with, isn’t it?? I continue to keep you & J in my prayers…wishing you re-newed hope, rest and peace on this Mother’s Day.
    Kristi

  3. I am dreading that call from jail. Happy Mother’s Day! You really are a good mom and J is lucky to have you. I wonder if my J feel’s the same?

  4. It is such a frustrating feeling when you go to visit and support you kid while they are incarcerated and all they seem to do is dwell on what they needd and want. Such is the mind of an addict, especially when they are in a space where they are locked up and drugs are not near as accesible. I found I was consumed with anger for a couple of years and only recently have I been trying to accept what is and let go of some of the resentment that I helped create out of my codependent behavior along with my son’s behaviors/addiction. I hope you can have a peaceful Mother’s Day no matter chaos is going on around you.

  5. I really need to start proofing my comments! Sorry for al the typos above.

  6. funny thing about being in jail. they all seem to find sobriety and God. until they get released. and they are so serious about it every single time. over and over and over and over and over and over……

    which is why i maintain, no visits. no money. no calls.

    maybe, just maybe, without the help of mommy, they will actually find and KEEP both God and sobriety.

  7. I’m sorry but am glad that you are keeping your boundaries and taking care of yourself. Good for you.


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