Posted by: addictionstinks | April 23, 2010

Liar liar pants on fire

I found out today that J smoked pot yesterday. I have not mentioned yet to him that I know this. My source for this information is pretty reliable, and there were several witnesses, so I believe it to be true.

I’ve been telling him how proud I am. Seven months clean! (5 in jail, and 2 in rehab, so no choice really). Less than one week out and he’s back at it. And the liar just plays along with me when I tell him I’m proud. UGH!

Here’s the stupidest part. He smoked up last night and had to pee for probation today. Just a matter of time until they get the results back, and he’s in big trouble again. And so the cycle continues……….

I’m trying my hardest to release this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach back out into the universe, where it belongs. After all, this is NOT my problem – its his.

Damn this sux!!!

Now for the hard decision-making part. I’ve been telling him, “If you screw up, you screw up alone. I won’t be there anymore for you.” So, do I let him go now? As in, NO contact anymore? He’s my son – I don’t know if I can do it. But I gotta say what I mean, and mean what I say. Right?

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Responses

  1. oh ….I am so sorry….just so sorry. : ( I am praying for you…and him, of course.

  2. Don’t they get immediate results from the pee test? Keven does when he does it.

    As for the no contact….I am not the right person to talk to about that. I believe every situation is different and you have to determine what is best for you, the rest of your family and your son.

    Its very discouraging. Its very tiring. I am sorry all of us have this added burden to deal with in life.

    • Unless court ordered by the judge – i.e. the addict is standing in front of the judge at the time – they send the tests out, so the results are not immediate.

  3. There is no right or wrong answer. The only thing I have remotely found helpful is to start taking better care of myself. I have to always ask myself what my motive is, am I doing something out of fear so I won’t feel uncomfortable, or am I actually offering real assistance to my son. It is tricky, but a fellow blogger said something really great and it stuck with me. So ask if you are offering a “hand up or a hand out”. That usually helps me check my motives. It takes time and every family is different. You have to make the decisions that feel right to you and your family. But most of all, take really super good care of yourself, then the rest will follow. The stress of this situation long term can be terrible for our health. (((HUGS)))

  4. It sounds like the decision has been made for you if the test comes back positive. There will come a day when you won’t question what to do anymore. It will be automatic because you have realized that in order to protect yourself from these emotions, you have to let go. For now if you can manage some contact without freebies to him and extreme emotional toll to you, you can stay in touch with him. Renee is right, the stress can age you and eventually kill you. It’s your life, protect yourself. I will pray for you and J.

  5. You can let him do this “on his own” without completing cutting off all contact. You will decide what feels right for you. A lunch or dinner with no discussion of “how he is doing,” no disussion of money, etc. That may be the way you detach.

    Everything Renee said is correct, above, just stay tuned to your motives.

    We told Bryan that his last rehab was it, we were paying for no more. We kicked him out and took away every material thing we had given him, except the cell phone. But when I learned he overdosed and he didn’t die, I felt like God was providing him one more opportunity, and that’s when we found the program that he went in to; and so far, has been successful (6 months clean next week; and working there now). So it doesn’t matter what you’ve said before, it matters about the situation and what is in your head and your heart. You and J remain in my thoughts and prayers.

  6. I don’t think that anyone gets better until they learn about consequences. Enabling doesn’t seem to work.

  7. I am so sorry. Praying you find an answer you are comfortable with. I will be reading to see what you decide, as I am close to making a similar decision.

  8. Ahhhh…. Arrghh…
    I can’t say what you should or shouldn’t do, you have to do what’s right for you and your family. He’s already “peed” maybe the choice/decision won’t be yours?
    This is tough, a will pray for wisdom for you.

  9. Praying for you and yours,

    Cheri


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