Posted by: addictionstinks | March 15, 2010

Talked My Husband Into Visiting J

My husband’s way of dealing with J’s addiction has been to NOT deal with J’s addiction. The whole time J was in jail, hubby never visited, never spoke to him on the phone. His words were, “Once he’s got that monkey off his back, we’ll talk.” I haven’t pushed – at all. I understand Hubby’s anger – really I do. I have a lot of anger myself. I understand his feelings of not wanting to deal with this. I wish it were that easy for me. I haven’t asked him to visit, haven’t asked him to talk to J on the phone, nothing. I just let him be – he needs to deal with this in his own way.

But when I visited J in rehab on Wednesday, my thought process changed. One of J’s assignments was to write out 25 reasons why he should never do drugs again. When he told me this, I asked him what his reasons were. His response was, “I don’t remember them all! It took me a long time to write that, I thought really hard about it.” So I asked him to name two reasons. The first thing that came out of his mouth was, “So I can get that relationship back with my dad.” Now he’s been telling me this for several months now – that he wants that relationship back. I knew this wouldn’t happen while he was in jail – Hubby made it clear that he had NO DESIRE to visit him behind the glass window in jail. Understood. But now that he’s in rehab, and beginning the healing process, I knew it was time…

So I did push – a little. I asked Hubby what he was afraid of. My thoughts were that maybe he’s afraid that if he lets J in, that would give him permission to take advantage of us again. Turns out I was only partially right. He’s really afraid that if he lets J in, he’ll cave to the “I want to move back into your house, take care of me, pay my bills, etc.” In other words, he’s just a big old softy, and he’s afraid of himself. Even though we both know that would be very unwise and very unhealthy for J, because he is a manipulator, and because he WOULD take advantage of us. I’m prepared to NOT allow this to happen; Hubby is not. I think he really needs to go with me to a Wednesday night visit to the rehab center, because they do hour-long classes for the visitors before visiting time begins. I’ve learned a lot in just the couple of classes that I’ve been to – about enabling vs. loving your addict.

Anyways, we had a nice visit, although too short (they always feel too short). We went Saturday afternoon. I’ll admit, I went with because I felt like I had to be the referee. The two of them can sometimes get into it pretty good, because of Hubby’s lingering anger. But they didn’t. They talked nicely to each other, and had a good visit. It was kinda nice to see them in the same room together, and talking like the two adults that they are after all this time of them either screaming at each other or ignoring each other.

Onward and upward toward success!!



  1. Baby Steps! It would be good if the hubby could attend some of the family meetings with you. As they say, addiction is a family disease (although my husband finds this hard to swallow). I am happy for you all tha the visit went well.

  2. The first step is often the hardest. If Hubby doesn’t want to attend a meeting, you might pick up a book or two for him to peruse. I’d start with Codependency No More by Melody Beattie.

    I am glad you had a good family visit. Every small positive is good for your heart and your soul.

  3. I’m glad the visit went well. Yay!

  4. It sounds as if your husband needs to stick with his boundaries. That is hard to do for anyone but especially with his child. With you there to reinforce though perhaps he will be willing to reach out a bit more. It is a delicate balance for sure.

  5. This is good news, one step closer to healing the relationship. I hope your hubby goes to those classes with you, they sound really helpful.

  6. Praying for healing and restoration within the whole family. It takes time, and it happens one small step at a time.

    Blessings and prayers,

  7. Good for you and your family! I am glad that you are all moving in the right direction together.

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