Posted by: addictionstinks | March 2, 2010

I’m In A Pretty Good Place Right Now

I’m in a pretty good place right now. J is in rehab. There is hope. Of course it wasn’t always this way. For many years there’s been much heartache, fear, and anger. Let’s take a look at the anger today.

While J is of course stuck in my heart and a huge part of my life, there have been plenty of times when never seeing him again would have been soon enough. Like the time he stole his Grandmother’s entire bottle of Vicoden from her room (she lived with us at the time). We called the police and they came over and arrested him, handcuffs and all, in my living room while his 2 younger brothers looked on. Man was I angry!!

Or the time when he continuously snuck in my room at night while I slept, stole my credit card and went on buying binges to Best Buy and wherever else he could purchase something to take to the pawn shop to sell for drug money. He got us to the tune of about $20,000 with that little stunt. Man was I angry!!

Oh and let’s not forget me finding needles in his room. Pissed!! Or him standing in front of me with his eyes rolling around in his head cuz he was so stoned, and saying, “I’m not high”. DUH!!

And then there was when he crashed his car. Twice. And totalled it both times. Woo-hoo, was I mad!

Or the time he got busted down in the city making a buy. The cops saw him make the buy and then busted him with the heroin on him. He got sent to the big-city jail for that one (NOT a fun place to be!) When he called me, my response was “sucks to be you!” They of course I-bonded him out the next day. They got bigger fish to fry in the big city.

All this to say that I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt! There were times that I was so angry that I thought about running away, or slitting my own wrists, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with that feeling anymore (don’t worry I’m totally NOT psychotic!) Its been 5 years of pure HELL – in out of court, jail, probation. His credit is trashed, he won’t have a driver’s license for a very long time, his life is ruined for many years to come. At 21 years old he’s got several felonies on his record (read: gonna be really hard to get a job), trashed credit, a stack of bills about an inch thick (I REFUSE to pay them), no license, and it looked like no hope.

Its gonna take a LOOOOOOOONG time to repair the damage.

But I’m in a good place right now. I’ve realized that this is HIS reality – not mine. My credit is stellar, I have a job, a car, a house, a loving family and my God. I’m good to go! I have made peace with the fact that I CANNOT fix J. Only J can fix J. And I hope that over time he will.

HOPE. Its something I haven’t had in a lot of years, and I’m clinging to it for dear life!!

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Responses

  1. So good to hear you’re doing well. It takes strength to get yourself to the point where you can be in a good place.
    I like how you spelled out what’s good with your life, separating it from J’s life. Up until the intervention we did with Heather and Al-Anon, Heather life WAS my life. It was so nice when I finally figured out there was a difference!
    I heard last night in a meeting “Attitude of Gratitude” and that’s what came to mind as I read your post – you’ve got and attitude of gratitude…
    God bless & thanks 🙂

  2. Wow – you’ve been through a lot and you have HOPE. Here are some quotes that I picked out for you:

    Christopher Reeve:
    Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.

    Erik H. Erikson:
    Hope is both the earliest and the most indispensable virtue inherent in the state of being alive. If life is to be sustained hope must remain, even where confidence is wounded, trust impaired.

    Martin Luther King, Jr.:
    If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.

    Peace and love to you! Sherry

  3. The drama and pain our addicts put us through is almost unbelievable…I know that when I tell others, they don’t believe it. You have to live it. And everythingyou did for him was out of love, including being really angry.

    You have come to such an important place in your life now. You can love him and have HOPE for him and never give up! And it occurs to me that you won’t give up on HOPE because you are a strong, loving woman and an awesome mom. And you have detached with a lot of grace. I’m impressed.

  4. You said: “there have been plenty of times when never seeing him again would have been soon enough.”

    I can relate to that. I would daydream that he would just leave and never come back. Its hard to imagine that now cause he’s been a huge joy to have home.

    So yes there IS hope. I experienced a lot of the same things you described here. I had Keven arrested, but they did it in front of the house for all the neighbors to see. No one knew I was the one who called the cops. It was so hard.

    You sound good and I am so glad to hear it. You are strong, you want what’s best for J – AND the rest of your family. He’s gonna come around, he’s gonna get better. I believe it.

  5. You are one strong woman!

  6. You sound great, and I am happy to hear you are in a good place.

    I believe that the healthier you get emotionally, the more desire you will create in J to get to that same place himself.

    You are in our prayers,
    Cheri

  7. I’m glad you are feeling stronger and hopeful!

  8. I am sure that it will take time to trust again. Sometimes it is good to be on guard and not build up any expectations. Hang in there. Take care of yourself. He is where he needs to be.


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